Anathema in the background, some drinks and a Ceres in my veins.
Maybe only like this I’m really able to be sincere with myself.
No, nothing is distorted by alcohol, it’s not it that makes me write these lines. Nor it alters its content.
What I’m going to write is not a vent of the moment, or rather not only.
It’s thoughts of months and months, that now more than ever are amplified by what’s happening around me.
Some time ago I talked about buried and badly hidden thoughts and problems. I said that they, one day, sooner or later, in a way or another, would be back to torture me, if I can say this, they would be back and I would have had to face them.
So here we are.
Maybe it’s only one of the many knots in my head.
Maybe it’s what I’ve always known instead, since the beginning, even if twisted in the first place.
I only know that now it’s a so much embedded nail in my head that it cannot be ignored, even if it could cost me the little sanity left in me.
Here they are again, the Beauty and the Beast.
But no happy ending for me, the monster.
Only a more or less secondary role in my Beauty’s life.
Today I was thinking that one day I’ll be there, singing at my best friend’s wedding, who finally achieve his deepest dream marrying with his princess.
And I’ll be hidden in a corner, crying while singing and bleeding from my heart that both rejoices and dies.
All that I really want is that you are happy, my soul.
I want to see you ever smiling, I want to know you’re safe from a world that doesn’t deserve you.
I wish I had been there when you cried, I wish I had held you tight in my arms when you needed it, but I was far from you.
I wish I could give you everything you deserve, I want not to be that selfish as I am, I want you to let me go, in want you to never leave me.
If you were out of breath I’d give you all the air I have in me, if you needed it I’d kill for you, I’d die for you, I’d live for you.
I feel your name burning in my chest, as if it had been branded with fire in my heart the day I was born.
You’re the one I waited for all my life, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, you’re the missing part of my soul, the only one who’s been able to fill the void I feel inside me.
I’d like to know I’m the same for you even if I know that’s not possible, not in this world, not in this time.
I was holding your head and I felt like suffocating.
You held me in your arms and I wanted that moment to never end.
But probably it was more the alcohol than your head to make you act like that and show me so much feeling.
I wore your jumper and I breathed you scent with greed.
I laid my fingers on your lips and I felt them burning.
I relished the touch of your hands on my skin, I desired it never went away.
I silently enjoyed and suffered from your presence in the night, only a few centimeters to divide each other.
I desired to hold your hand tight and not to let it go till the awakening, I wanted to feel your presence vividly in my distant dreams.
I watched you sleeping and I fed on that simple vision.
I kissed your forehead desiring not to turn my lips away from your skin.
Every single touch is blessing and torture, every hug a burning firebrand which excites the flame in my chest.
Sensations are still so vivid that if I close my eyes, it feels like I’m still in your embrace, the flame consumes me so that it takes my breath away every second you’re not here.
Distance is unbearable and it burns, I want to take you away and have you always near me, only for me.
But a smile on a picture suddenly comes to my mind, it almost stop my thoughts, the sense of guilt, of inadequacy and the egoism make me ashamed of myself, of my thoughts, of my dreams.
I see you happy together, perfect in your unity.
And once again I feel like I shouldn’t be there, a dead born appendage.
Even if in my dreams, in my head, our names were united in our birth date, an indissoluble bond that tightens us so much to make me feel it’s so obvious, so marked by destiny that it seems stupid, senseless and inconceivable not to think like this.
But how come I feel the same thinking the opposite?
I want to be free from this curse that will condemn us to stay far from each other, I want to be able to hope it could be true one day.
For once I see clear, for the first time I don’t feel confusion inside my head.
I just want to be her, I want to tell her how much she’s hurting you, I want to make her change so the smile can be back on your face.
I want her to be everything you want, I want you to finally feel happy for real, I want you to feel complete, satisfied, alive, blessed by her presence.
I want her to understand what she’s throwing away, I want her to realize that she’s consuming you, corroding you till you’re only ashes, I want her to see all the pain she gave you, I want her to remedy in every way she can.
And so I could be convinced that no, it’s not my name carved near yours, I’m not the other half of the apple, I’m not the person you’d give your heart to without hesitation.
And even if suffering, even if falling to pieces once again, picking up the sharp shards would be a bittersweet death.